I finished the curtains in the kitchen and the living but I wasn't very happy with the way the living room windows turned out. So, I sat on the couch and worked on my cross-stitch while scowling at the curtains every so often.

I went out for a drive to the bank and to the store for a bit. That went okay. I had a little trouble getting there because traffic was heavy and I got stuck at a light. I was not a happy camper. Sometimes, I wish I had a hover craft that would go over other vehicles so that I could make my way around town without interferring with the rest of traffic and without all those damned lights. I hate it when I down have a way out. I'm working on that. Not the hover craft part, the sitting at a light trapped part.

I came home, let Matthew go swimming and started sanding on the footboard of my new bedframe. That was a pain in the butt! While I was working on it, Matthew came back from the pool and asked if he could help. Then, the neighbor kids came over to play and ended up asking if they could help too. Kara came over to see if Matthew could go to the pool with her & Eric and she ended up offering to sand a bit as well. It was a sight to see 6 of us sitting on the floor of my living room sanding away at this stupid frame. Where's a video camera when you need one? Anyway, I gave up when my hands started to hurt. Soon after, everyone else gave up too. So, I decided to treat them all to ice cream for their help.

I made another run up to the store just to get out of the house then came back and watched a couple of movies before I went to bed.

Today, I got up early. I would have liked to continue sleeping because I was having a very peaceful dream and didn't feel as though I'd slept enough yet but I needed to get moving to be ready for my appointments today. I was actually comletely ready by 10am this morning. I still had a hard time getting up to see Johnathon. I don't know why but I really had a set back when I didn't leave the house while I was fighting that migraine. It's been tough just getting out at all.

Anyway, I made it there. I took Mom and Matthew with me because we were going to stop at the store afterwards to get some stuff Mom needed. I think the session with Johnathon went very well. He is really getting me to think about things. Getting me to view myself and the panic attacks from several different angles. I didn't do my "thought" homework so I'll have to get that done before next Friday. I'm just happy that he's very positive about improvement for me. He tells me that I should be able to kick these attacks. I'll have to work for it but it'll get done. I'm going to have to try some things that I'm not very good at but I'm willing to try anything to get these damned things to go away.

I want my old life back so badly. I miss not being able to take Matthew to his appointments. I miss not being able to take him roller-blading on Sunday mornings then for breakfast before we go to fellowship. I miss not being able to visit Sharon or Denice. I miss not working. Truth be told, I think I just miss driving the most. I really love to drive and it really pisses me off that driving has now become the bane of my existence.

I get upset with myself for not being able to stop these attacks. I get pissed because I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I am disappointed that my relationship with Matthew is suffering. Contrary to popular belief, there is such a thing as spending too much time with each other. He used to get breaks from me while I was at work & I would get breaks from him when I went visiting or to the store. Now, we always seem to be fighting. I think the stress of always being under each other's feet is really hurting how we treat each other.

I just keep praying that I'll wake up in the morning and I'll be the old me with my life back in order. The only problem is that if that were to actually happen, I would not have learned anything from this experience. I think the new me, after the attacks are gone, will be a much stronger and self-assured person. I hope.

So......after I dropped Mom back at her house, Matthew & I went home. Sharon called me soon after we got home. She was bored and was excited because of her new job and wanted to come over and visit for awhile. Of course, I said YES! I miss our chats. It isn't the same when we're on the phone. After she left, Matthew and I went out for dinner. We didn't eat out but we went to pick some food up, brought it home and popped Cast Away into the DVD player.

We spent the rest of the evening watching the movie, eating and relaxing.