Matthew is starting to get anxious about going to his dad's. I guess you could say excited not anxious. Anyway, I'm torn. I am definitely relishing the break this year considering my constant fight with the panic attacks but I never look forward to seeing him go.

Years ago, the only interest his dad ever showed was just to piss me off. I would never hear from him then BAM!, out of the blue he'd call and threaten me with taking custody (like he ever could). He would never ask to speak with Matthew, or even see him. He would just give me his standard line that I don't deserve to have Matthew because I wasn't willing to marry his father. Total BS. Matthew has gone through tons of transformations throughout his short 14 years because of his need to find himself. I've never said anything bad about his dad when he was anywhere remotely close to where I was. I had decided a long time ago that any opinions he had of his dad would be his own. They would not be opinions based on what other people had said about his dad. So, I kept my mouth shut around Matthew. Now, he idolizes him and it makes me sick.

He wanted to get to know his dad so I let him move there December 15, 1997. That was the start of my downfall. Before Matthew moved, he was polite, respectful, helpful around the house, could hold normal conversations with people and was doing FABULOUS in school. While he was gone, he was ignored, allowed to do as he pleased without much for consequences, he was put in the middle of his dad's girlfriend and I (not by my choice). They wouldn't let me talk to him. I got to see him twice in 3 years and his schooling was going downhill really fast. Finally, one day his dad called me to say that he was sending Matthew home because he couldn't deal with him anymore.

I was ecstatic and upset at the same time. I was happy that Matthew was coming home but I was definitely not happy about the circumstances in which he was coming home. Basically, his dad had created this monster of a child and decided that he would just hand him over for me to fix. Matthew came home January 28, 2001. I was so happy to see him but really dreading the unthinkable. My wonderful child was now failing in school, lying, sneaking around, taking off without permission, yelling at me, fighting in school and generally disrespectful to everyone in sight.

It's been a real struggle to work with him to improve himself. Matthew has come a long way and has been continually disappointed by his dad. Every time he goes to his dad's it's like he never left. Then, when he comes back home, it take me months to get him back on track again.

To be honest, I never wanted his dad to be a part of his life and I regret ever letting him see his father. This child was mine. Only for me. He dad was never part of the picture (in my head) except for the conception. But children have questions. They want to know things. I didn't ever want Matthew to have a regret based on a decision that I made for him.

Now, Matthew has additional problems and I don't think that it's going to make things better by going to his dad's for the summer. I think we'll be right back in the thick of a mess when he returns in a couple of months. I just hate seeing Matthew yo-yo because his dad can't be consistent and pay a little attention to him. Matthew has a step-sister that's just 5 years-old. His dad makes sure that she gets child support, presents on her birthday, presents for Easter, presents for Christmas, etc. but he doesn't make sure that Matthew gets all of these things. He's old enough now that he sees the partiality that is going on and he doesn't like it. So, when he gets pissed about something he takes it out on me. I just don't want to see him hurt.

I suppose all I can do is hope for the best and pray for all the blessings he can handle while he's at his dad's.

Anyway, better get my ass busy.