Sharon called me to say that she was having a Mother's Day BBQ at her house on Sunday. This, of course, is dreadful to me. Not to anyone else but me & her. She & I both know that I cannot make it that far driving and that I would be a basket case if anyone else were to drive me up there. It isn't like anyone else would care. Mom doesn't seem to care now that she isn't running all of my errands and doing my banking for me. She's finally free. Lord knows that Peggy could give a shit whether I were there or not. The only one that would miss me would be Sharon. If only........

Oh well, no sense crying over spilled milk. I have definitely decided to get Matthew a bus pass to eliminate stress there. He did a fabulous job taking the city bus home from school and I have no doubts that he can do this continally until the end of school. This will help a great deal. I can still try to get to his school but the pressure will be completely removed. I will continue to try and make it to the airport so that maybe, just maybe, I can see my son off when he visits his dad for the summer. I will try to make trips up to Sharon's house but I will not stress myself out about this.

I've been doing a lot of thinking today. Not all of it good but thinking nonetheless. I've thought about the old me. I've thought about the wreck of a person that I am now. I've beaten myself up over my finances (or the lack thereof). I've wondered about the future. I've had all sorts of thoughts running through my head today. I wonder when I will finally get my life back.

These panic attacks have essentially taken everything that I care about from me. They've taken my strength, my assurity, my courage, my ambition, my time with my son, my time with my Godson, my time with my sister Sharon, my time with my friends, my financial security, my job and my love of driving. I just don't know how to get it all back. I still keep hoping that one day I'll wake up from this nightmare and everything will be back to normal. Not likely but a person can hope.

I'm looking forward to working around the house tomorrow with Matthew. He, of course, is NOT looking forward to working around the house at all. LOL Just like a teenager. We are going to weed the front yard, get the little arched-fence thingy planted in the ground and tie up the Bogi's so that they can start growing up the arches instead of splaying all over the ground. I really need to get the house cleaned up so that I don't have to think about it and I want to get my new flowers planted in their pots. I thinking I'm looking forward to the finished product aesthetically more than the actual work.