I spent the day cross-stitching, playing on the computer and doing Scotty's laundry. I was just tired of the stench emanating from his room. I spent around 4-5 hours today scrubbing the carpets on my hands and knees to get all of the stains out of the living room floor. I'm not done. I ran out of cleaning solution. I will finish up tomorrow. Then......anyone caught eating or drinking in the living room will be smothered in their sleep! Eating and drinking will be in the kitchen only. Not the bedrooms, not the living room, not the bathrooms and not the hallways. If they do not like it then they can eat outside or starve.

Now on to the real reason why I am writing today. I'm so very tired but I've got to get this down.

I just realized today that I can no longer talk to Sharon about the problems I am having with Scotty. I know she's my favorite sister but she's also his Mom. This creates a dual problem. I can't ever just blow off steam to her about these problems because she feels an obligation to discuss them with Scotty. This eliminates my ability to deal with him on an adult level because he thinks that I'm tattling to his Mom. Not the case. I vent to Sharon about everything. She vents to me about everything. This is the nature of our relationship. We allow the other to talk about the problems and help find solutions together so that we don't go crazy. This is the only situation where our relationship doesn't work. I'm going to tell her tomorrow and hope that she understands.

I'm starting to become more aware of the things that others are doing for me and to me that affect my ability to fight these panic attacks. Things that people do for me are, in a large part, allowing me to avoid doing certain things thus preventing me from overcoming certain obstacles. Things that they are doing to me, regardless of intention, are escalating the probability of having these stupid attacks. I get so stressed out that I end up no meeting certain goals that I've set for myself because I won't venture out of the house if I'm upset. When I'm upset, my stomach ulcers act up and make it difficult for me to ignore the first signs of the attacks (stomach tightening) which, in turn make it harder for me to control my breathing when I'm in the truck.

It's time to put my foot down and get bold if I'm ever to put these attacks behind me.......

Scotty does not have to work anymore before he goes to California with Colleen. I will make sure that he understands that the truck is not at his disposal anytime he chooses and that if he uses it he has to put fuel in it.

I'm going to start making trips at night to try and make it to Wal-Mart so that I can get certain things that Mom has been getting for me.

I'm going to take trips at night to try and make it to Matthew's school so that I don't have to get Mom to pick him up.

I'm going to start making more trips on my own without having someone to ride with me as my safety net.

I'm going to start finding ways to relax myself when I'm driving by myself.

I'm going to start walking after dark so that I can get some sort of exercise and just maybe I'll even start expanding my boundaries on foot.

I'm going to start getting up earlier so that I can get myself into a better routine that will enable me to get out of the house earlier in the day.

I'm going to start taking trips during rush hour to try and push myself a little bit. They don't have to be long trips, I just need to be out in the traffic.

I'm going to start reading again. I need to be able to focus on something besides the television and my cross-stitch.